There's a piece of you within me

chellebelle985 @ 2006-09-29T12:13:00

2006-09-29T16:17:24Z

it's been a crazy couple weeks. getting sick was/is no fun. i'm just glad i'm getting better and that's all that matters.

lately, ive been listening to country music while getting ready for classes. very soothing & calming. it reminds me of when me and my former roomie would get up in the morning and the first thing we'd do is reach for the remote or tv button & change the channel to CMT and start dancing and singing around the room. been missing those days.

so this morning i had one of my wisdom teeth pulled out. it took less than 5 minutes. such a baby tooth. i have 2 more that need to be taken out... oh so excited! *coughNOTcough*

and tomorrow, I GET TO SEE MY BEST FRIEND!!!!!!!!!!!! i miss her like crazy :)

i've been stressed out w/ a lot of things. it's hard to control anything when your mind is going 100 mph with thoughts of this and that flying by. but i think the skies have finally cleared up and i'm seeing things more clearly now. ive come to the realization that i can't control everything in my life; no matter how much i want it. and THAT'S PERFECTLY OKAY. i'm trying not to worry so much. because i trust God and His plans for me. it will all come together and i know, in the end, i'll be happy & everything will be alright :)

[[ive noticed he always sticks by me. no matter what. it amazes me the love i see in him. =D]

chellebelle985 @ 2006-09-11T00:01:00

2006-09-11T04:22:21Z

so here i am again. lots of things on my mind/heart. some are too personal to put on here.

school is somewhat stressing me out. i mean, it usually does, but maybe my body's put thru a lot that it's starting to wear down terribly and can't handle the stress as well as it used to. thus it has affected my health.
oh, speaking of classes, trey came with me on friday to my organic class. "it was engaging and made me want to take notes.... but then again, i dont know what the heck she was talking about" -him. hehe. yay for organic!

im worried about my dad. i havent gone home in 2 weeks and i miss my family so much. i get a phone call tonight and it's my mom; she says my dad's been having bad fevers the past couple of days and they dont know whats going on. he's had health issues before and that worried me too. sigh. i dont want to lose him. he's done deep damage to my self esteem growing up, but i still love him.

{i feel lost. empty inside somehow. and i can't pinpoint what it is. and thats the hard part.}

1. friday night - girls night!! oh. and. i. saw. a. naked. guy. [i needed to pee -> open the bathroom door -> naked guy in the middle of the bathroom -> i scream -> shut the door -> and laugh hysterically -> everyone comes out into the hallway -> laugh some more]
2. saturday night - ashton had spent the night. we went to brunch and spent the whole day together. we saw the guy [that was naked the night before] at brunch. *cringes* and i was disappointed we lost to akron. grrr! but seeing julia & germaine made me feel better for a bit... then i had a headache and vomitted :-/ but joe took good care of me
3. sunday - i finally got to see what Grace was all about; thanks to joe and jimmy. i loved it! i want to go again next sunday and praise the Lord :) i met lots of new people and saw familiar faces too. the whole worship put me in a good mood the rest of the day. :)

here's a song i liked from today:
Sin has lost it's power,
death has lost it's sting.
From the grave you've risen
VICTORIOUSLY!

Chorus
Into marvelous light I'm running,
Out of darkness, out of shame.
By the cross you are the truth,
You are the life, you are the way

great weekend!!!

2006-09-04T18:03:09Z

46 facebook wall messages
2 IMs from faraway friends - thanks Marlee and Carolyn!
2 birthday phone calls from mom and ashton -> loud singing haha i love it!
1 email from dad and aunt each
12 wonderful friends in one night - i love you all so much!!!
1 restaurant (CARRABBA'S! oh so good!)
lots of presents :)
1 crazy night
1 awesome football game

turning 21 = PRICELESS ;) :) hehe

chellebelle985 @ 2006-08-23T23:46:00

2006-08-24T03:59:48Z

classes are back in session. the first few days of every semester, it seems like, i feel as if i was a freshman all over again. looking for classes. looking lost. looking at the schedule. taking more than the usual amt of notes. actually paying attention haha.

"its not what year of status you are. it's how you carry yourself that distinguishes you from other "freshman' " - Daniel

when my roomie leaves me all by myself in the room, the tv must be ON. whether i want to watch it or not, i like the background noise. i feel less lonely. as sad as that may sound, it comforts me. i think it's cuz growing up, me and my little brother would be in the same room, but he would be in one area of the room and me on the other; he'd be making fight noises w/ his toys and games, while i read or used my computer. i've always needed someone to be around me; tv's my substitution.

i've been walking a lot since i got here. bragaw seems so far from central campus. it's good exercise to walk to class. i was reminded of the hills and curves of main campus as i walked to my 2 classes today. forgot how very non-flat State is.

the swings are conveniently placed around the dorm. helps me create my own wind. and i like that feeling.

You're my safest place to hide

2006-08-16T06:24:42Z

and so summer must draw to an end. whether we want to or not. i have done so much this summer. it's insane after i thought about it. i would have to say that this is THE BEST summer i've had since i can remember!

sleepovers. ice cream runs hehe. getting a tan; in my case, getting burned. bar hoppin' to watch the canes. playing dress up. dancing & clubbing. crazy late night talks. visiting Rich! bondage! haha. crying here and there. eating too much. laughing too much. best friend bonding.

but i'd rather have too much. than nothing at all ;) i love my crew so much!

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

        - - - - -
       \           /
         \       /
           \ _/
             I
   ___I____ a toast. to beginnings [and endings]. to old & new friendships. to LIFE :)

virginia is for lovers

2006-07-25T19:35:12Z

i just got back the other day from my short (8 days) vacation to Virginia. Eight days is not long enough to make up for 4 months worth of not seeing each other. but... im glad i even got the opportunity to go see him. my parents surprise me sometimes. they really do.

~we watched tons of movies (and yes we finished most of them lol... the only one that sucked was collateral. it was slow in the beginning and the end didnt have the "punch" or "edge" i wanted it to have. oh well)
~played lots of golf. im getting better but he still beats me
~helped mama stone cook and clean up afterwards. she's a great cook! i was stuffed each night. i needed help getting out of my chair.
~late night talks are the best. i just love how hours go by w/ him and me just talking on the bed and goofying off. its so comforting that he and i have similar views but also have our differences.
~watched kristen for a bit (she's rich's neice). ive never seen such a well behaved 5 month old. she's so adorable. she looks more like her dad each day.
~on the 2nd saturday i was there, i sat on the swing in their back yard and had a moment to myself. i didnt want to leave the next day. a few tears rolled down my cheek as i thought of my time there. i just didnt want to leave...
~rich's parents bought me an early birthday present - pink & blue tanktops, and lots of skittles (i was craving it so bad up there one night lol they decided to get me 3 huge packs of different kinds of skittles! haha!) and rich got me pretty earrings and a necklace :) i love it all!
~on my last morning, his parents treated me to a wonderful breakfast. so YUMMY!

leaving the bus station, i was calm and wasnt too sad. i was content and satisfied actually. but boy when i got back home in NC, my emotions just came out. i couldnt stop crying even when i wanted to. i literally cried myself to sleep sunday night.. just crying and holding my pillow....

im glad to be back tho. i miss my friends & family here. work starts back up today and im not looking forward to it... well i hope everyone has a wonderful start to the week!

good start to the week

2006-07-11T07:06:35Z

my manager put me elsewhere today in the store. met new people. and got to see how the back part of the store worked. it was a refreshingly new experience.
- - -
so ITALY won the World Cup! how exciting is that :) yay! (i know this is like late news but i just wanted to say it on here hehe)
- - -

there's something absolutely amazing about times spent w/ a best friend. just you and your best friend. well, me & my best friend. bonding w/ her is so peaceful & so much fun. there's moments of silence but also plenty of laughter and joking around, sharing of stories, watching a show & a movie... i can't quite describe the feeling of just sitting w/ my best friend and having one of the best days in a looong time. priceless ;)
- - -

[i see blood. im scared. i need a doctor for this one]

incredible highs

2006-07-04T05:34:38Z

so this weekend was a time of firsts for me ;) it was one of the BEST weekends EVER!! woooo! I LOVE MY GIRLS SOOOOOO MUCH :-D me never having the opportunity to go clubbing, went this weekend w/ friends to club Oxygen. it was what i had anticipated it to be and much more! the place wasnt hopping at first, but once people started rolling in, it sure got a little "close" lol

the funny things started even BEFORE we entered the club. Marlee, Sarah, Rachel and I were near the entrance when I realized we had to pay the bouncer (or at least get the money ready)... well since we didnt bring purses we kept our money and IDs in our bras... haha i made a fool out of myself trying to get the money out and the officer & everyone else noticing it. ['you think it's their real boob in there but it's just full of money' - the police officer in the front] <-- hahaha

i definitely let loose and enjoyed every second on the dance floor. it even had a dancebox where only females could dance on it. and yes, me, rachel (the birthday girl) and marlee went on it and bumped & grinded. we gave the guys a show ;) one of the people who worked at the club even took a picture of us on the dancebox - i need to find a copy of it :)

but there were some guys who weren't too subtle about their moves. one guy in a green polo came up behind every girl and each time he did that, marlee would take me by the hand and tell me to dance closer to her. that got the guy in green to back off ... for like a second and then he was at it again but to a different girl. it was hilarious. i know rachel and ashton (she joined us a little after we got inside) definitely had fun w/ 2 particular guys hehe.

cake & ice cream were waiting for us back at rach's house. the cake was damn good. i was in heaven. & we didnt wake up til 1pm sunday. then rach, marz and i watched Failure to Launch later that day - I had already seen it before but i didnt mind watching it again.

all in all, i would love to re-live those 2 wonderful days again. maybe i can, in a way, in the near future ;)

oh, and 2 more weeks til I can see him :) im UBER excited! my cheeks hurt from smiling too much hehe.

chellebelle985 @ 2006-06-30T01:48:00

2006-06-30T06:19:21Z

random thought: have you ever had a guy friend who, no matter what, even when he's mad, just happens to say or do the right thing to you and the rest of his girl friends? he listens to your daily obstacles. he gives great advice. he comforts you. oh, he's not gay lol... like, there's no physical or emotional attraction between the two. is it just me or anybody feel the same way? lol

---
so i got my license today :) yessss i can drive again! oh how i miss driving by myself. now i can, hahaha

---
work was manageable. i still think we are messy people. [new pet peeve: tried-on clothes left on the floor w/ hangers everywhere].
me: im getting a headache from all this
my coworker: if you dont have one by now, then you haven't worked here long enough

---
i miss him...

just a peek in the mind of an insomniac

2006-06-27T06:55:54Z

you think you know a person. but do you really?
i've read we only use 10% of our brains. it feels like more, doesnt it?
others think they know us completely... when we dont even know ourselves completely. so how can they make such judgements about me? about you?

i must tell you how i feel when im feeling it.
i want to tell you that i'm happy. happy to be alive; happy to live another day.
i want to tell you im sad & lonely. sad that i dont see you often; lonely enough to long for a special someone's embrace.
i want to tell you im afraid. afraid you'd be gone. afraid you will forget that i love you. afraid to feel anything at all.
i want to tell you that i'm angry. angry at myself, angry at everything. plain angry.

it's times like these when my mind never seems to "shut down" and all the tension builds up...

boredom sinks in

2006-06-24T05:55:40Z

Sort by artist:
First: 3 Doors Down
Last: Wilshire

Sort by song title:
First: "Cry" - Mandy Moore
Last: "You Light Up My Life" - Leann Rimes

Sort by time:
Shortest Song: Ryan's Song - 0:32
Longest Song: Change is Gonna Come - 12:27

First Album: #1's - Beyonce's "Check up on it"
Last Album: X & Y
First song that comes up on Shuffle: Dance Dance - Fall Out Boy

How many songs come up when you search for "sex?" 0
How many songs come up when you search for "death?" 1
How many songs come up when you search for "love?" 11
How many songs come up when you search for "you?" 37
How many songs come up when you search for "why?" 3
How many songs come up when you search for "God?" 2
How many songs come up when you search for "crazy?" 2

chellebelle985 @ 2006-06-22T01:52:00

2006-06-22T06:12:23Z

WE WON THE CUP!!!!!!!!!!!! eeeeek! this is exciting news :) i enjoyed going bar hoppin' w/ my girls (and a few guys).

after working only 4 days, my feet are already wounded :-/ i definitely get a work out carrying clothes back and forth. i must rant about something in particular though. and that is, that people can be so inconsiderate and so messy! the Return rack is right in front of the fitting room. they are there for a reason. but nooooo... people (women in particular.. yes i said "women") just leave their pile in the dressing room. its annoying b/c i feel like im a cleaning lady and that is NOT in the job description. but i do appreciate all those who take the time to put their tried-on clothes back on the Return rack. come on now. you...correction: WE, are grown people. have some decency and class. thank you :)

i hope everyone had a great father's day. i had to work in the morning but later that day, my dad cooked his special spaghetti. my brother eric is skeleton skinny and i have never seen him eat that much (3 FULL PLATES!). yeah, the spaghetti's that good :-D it was gone overnight.

i had a dream about an ex. - i was upstairs in my room getting ready. lydia and him were downstairs waiting for me. they got fed up w/ waiting they decided to run upstairs. i wouldnt let them inside the room. and when i finally opened the door, they were both gone. .... i dont know what that dream meant....

tomorrow's my first day off. i know... EXCITING! hehehe

random thought: before i turn 80, i want to skydive. to feel the thrill of flying. freefall for a few seconds. thats on my list of things to do

chellebelle985 @ 2006-06-12T02:04:00

2006-06-12T06:33:47Z

so its sports mania at my house. world cup during the day, and alternating between NBA Finals and NHL Finals during the night. I just can't help but love all the excitement!

and my little brother left a little surprise on my phone. not so appealing, if i may add. is there a sign all around me saying 'play tricks on me' that i can't see but everyone else can? 'cause i dont find it funny. its annoying and frustrating. i'm just too gullible, as one friend told me. maybe i am... and all these tricks leave me in paranoia. so vulnerable as a victim. i live in fear... thanks a lot...

I finally have a summer job at Kohl's! .... no, I cannot get you discounts. my family can't even get a discount. seriously. and w/ the strict dress code, I can't wear sneakers and therefore my feet are sore from wearing heels all day. as disgusting as this may sound, i might have an ingrown toe nail. being the "med" person, i am embarrased to say I dont know how to relieve the pain or ingrown. ive cut my nails, but pain is still present. any ideas? i dont want to have surgery like my mom did. that would just be hell.

going back to state campus is great. hil, heather and i visit kelly on a weekly basis. i love meeting new people and playing beach volleyball with them. i dont know what it is, but going to state just puts me in a good mood and i'd like to stay that way.

so june 12th (today/monday) is my dad's birthday :) almost 50 years old. honestly, me and my dad aren't as close as me and my mom are. i just wish he'd open up to me more. ive tried and tried to share w/ him my thoughts, opinions, and life experiences, and its heartbreaking for them not to be reciprocated. i can only remember a few times where he showed me he really cared. other times, its just a bunch of silence if not yelling. he tells me i'm fat. that i'll never succeed. and that i can't have what i want. all negative towards me. i dont know why... every time i think "why" i just get teary-eyed. maybe i'll never understand it. sigh

i know you belong in my life

2006-06-08T06:37:58Z

when i get down to it, there's no where else i would rather be than here.

*~*

i heard this quote (not the exact quote) a while back but i forget who said it:
"maybe what we need is mr. right now and eventually the "now" will disappear."

chellebelle985 @ 2006-06-03T01:28:00

2006-06-03T05:35:34Z

CONGRATULATIONS to the 'CANES!!!!! job well done :) WOOO!

and in bball news, CONGRATULATIONS to the Miami Heat! -first time to the finals! yessss :)

many crushes ended the same way

2006-06-01T18:32:14Z

we bumped into each other a few times
i was the nerdy one, he was mr popular
i passed by him in the hallways, countless times
i heard him speak from a distant. his deep southern accent;
i felt rejected; not even a hello
a wave, or a smile to know
i existed in his world.
did he even care? did he even see me?

do you see me?

loving you is not so easy

2006-05-30T00:26:42Z

they tell you to be nice & kind
                                    they tell you to love
                they tell you to care, listen
they tell you to shut up
                  they tell you to just be yourself
      they tell you to make a difference in someone's life
                                they tell you things will change
they tell you things will be okay
        they tell you to relax
they tell you to not do this or that

its all [easier said] than done.

chellebelle985 @ 2006-05-28T01:33:00

2006-05-28T05:46:50Z

for one brief moment we stop what we're doing and do something totally out of character. we put on a mask to conceal our identity. then we become accustomed to the 'self' we created with the mask on, that too many a times we forget to take it off. how well do you really know me? how well do you really know your friends; or even your own self. so i say, take off your mask. present your true self to me. do not be afraid. i would not be a friend if i judged you.

a woman's heart is an ocean full of secrets

2006-05-25T06:21:18Z

i saw memoirs of a geisha last night w/ friends. i saw a resemblance of her in me - her happiness, sadness, trials & tribulations, power, and triumph. i felt her emotions strongly as if i was going through them myself. what a powerful love story. the ending was satisfying and fulfilling.

how silly is it to have the story line make me realize how badly i want love? i want to make sacrifices for the L word. i want a love that will stand the test of time. a love that will challenge me, and teach me. the kind of love thats unique, rare to find, and one i can't live without. a love that discovers and helps me grow. i want to fight for love. to feel the raw emotions, the intensity, the compassion, the burning and desire. i'll fall down & get hurt. maybe fall down again and have deeper wounds & scars. but its risks like these that i'm willing to take - to find out what love is all about.

and just when i think i know what's gonna happen next, yup God laughs at me. for only He knows his wondrous plans for me. and you.

nobody's perfect. thats a fact. like i mentioned before, thats not what i'm looking for. what my heart's in search of is perfect love. now that, i do believe in.

as you wish, buttercup

2006-05-23T05:30:55Z

its like the crack on a fine piece of china
or the hole in your favorite blanket.
you dont know how it got there but you accept it for what it is.
it's kinda like rich
hes not perfect. i didnt want him to be
his faults give him character and thats what i like, thats what i want

i know him better than anyone. ive only mentioned the bad things cuz i've needed reflection, advice, and reassurance. i gave all my heart to him. and everyone is against him, when im the one who did something bad. me, not him.

i want some freedom. all my life, ive been told what to do or should do. i want to break free. grow up, make mistakes, make my own decisions without people making such a big deal about them. everytime i do, i feel so small; overpowered by everyone.

i can already see the "i told you this and that would happen." it never leaves me....

saved for a rainy day

2006-05-17T06:47:15Z

last night i had this dream - i was a nurse having the worst day ever imagined. everything was going wrong. i get a phone call from rich asking me to help him with something at the apartment. seeing i was of no use at the hospital, i drove back to the apartment. i open the door and he tells me to close my eyes. "open," he says. in a brown box right in front of me, was a puppy! he always knew how to make me smile. as i picked up the puppy, i noticed the handkerchief tied around its neck; with the words "please say yes." i was confused. i didnt know what it was referring to. next thing i know, he gets down on one knee, says my full name to me, asks me to marry him. how could i say no to that?

how did he know i was having a bad day? was it all part of the big plan? maybe i'm just living a fantasy. i love happy endings.

ive realized that facebook has lost its appeal to me. maybe lent affected my emotion towards it. we are all vying for the spotlight. are we that desperate?

i cooked my own breakfast today. im very proud of myself. note-to-self, a little less milk in the eggs next time.

and im back to my nocturnal habits. its not that i want to stay awake or dont feel the need to sleep. its the feeling that something major is gonna happen while everyone's asleep and i dont want to miss any details. or i have the need to feel to be the first to tell someone. is that so wrong?

psychoanalyzing

2006-05-17T05:00:07Z

a wise friend once said to me, relationships are hard work. but love is better than any downfall.

remember, you dont have the power to change a person; you can influence them, you cant change them.
the only choice you've got is make your feelings known to your boyfriend/lover/friend and negotiate. this will allow you to see for yourself to what extent the person is responsive to your needs. when he/she does show responsiveness to your needs, then he or she is showing you this beautiful thing called LOVE.

so you have to ask yourself this:
do you see a future with him? do you see love in him? if yes, then go by that. if no, then you know what you have to do.

happy mother's day!!!

2006-05-14T07:33:48Z

so what is a mother's love and where can you find it? i personally wouldnt know cuz im not a mother yet. but i have seen a different kind of love that only a mother could give to her child.

its the yelling in the morning, so i wouldnt be late or miss my bus
random movie nights she and i share
the late night phone calls at the dorm to make sure i was still breathing
its when she just knows i had a bad day before even telling her and she runs to give me a hug and a kiss
its the chocolate kisses and bear she left on me and my brother's bed, when its suppose to be the other way around
never ending tickle fights just so she could hear me and my brothers laugh
the long days at work just so she could have money to get me something
the small encouragements here and there so i could go on thru the rest of the day knowing she was right there beside me, cheering me on
pet names she gives me and my little brothers, yes, thats still love :)
special girl-into-woman talks, where secrets have been revealed;
the look in her eyes that shows true happiness when im standing right in front of her
its when she feels she's a teen again and asks for my advice
the tears she got from reading my card
i could go on and on.

again i ask, what is a mother's love and where can you find it? for me, i find it everywhere and in everything. you just dont know how special you are... i bet your mom does.

chellebelle985 @ 2006-05-11T14:15:00

2006-05-11T18:32:26Z

xanga is down, so i'll update here.

so i'm back home, aka, my prison cell. yeah, im 20 years old. i realize that, but according to my parents, i have to obey their rules or move out. as much as moving out sounds great, i dont have the money to support myself. but lately, they havent been on my case so its all good. my junk is all piled up in the dining room. i keep getting this idea that it'll just fly up to my room and put themselves into place. but i know thats just my imagination.

boys are such poopie heads (sorry for a lack of better words). but they are. there are times where my efforts arent good enough or appreciated. there are times where i just want to wring their necks and shake some sense into them. AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! *breathe* i guess i have to take in the bad along with the good, right? okay.

anyways, had fun watching alias with two wonderful ladies :) alias canNOT end! gosh, i love that show!!!! jj abrams and i are gonna have a talk. humf... i can't wait til friday cuz me and my girls are gonna rock out! wooooo!

im gonna go back to job hunting. please pray for me! i really need the money :( love you all!

chellebelle985 @ 2006-05-04T09:52:00

2006-05-04T14:04:13Z

together, me marlee & ginny will conquer the world
and it will all begin
with a walk at lake johnson ;)

the semester is dying down. 2 years down; 2 to go, maybe 2 and a half. i can't wait til next year! bragaw, here i come! i'll miss some old faces but i'll enjoy new faces (i wonder who my new suitemates are.... hmm)

my vicky's coupon sits on my desk; waiting to be spent on. i think
it will be put to good use today... hehe. oh how i love my pink underwear.

the goo goo dolls sing it best when they say
"And the sun shines all around us // Smells like summer's on the way"

it sure is