so here i am again. lots of things on my mind/heart. some are too personal to put on here.

school is somewhat stressing me out. i mean, it usually does, but maybe my body's put thru a lot that it's starting to wear down terribly and can't handle the stress as well as it used to. thus it has affected my health.
oh, speaking of classes, trey came with me on friday to my organic class. "it was engaging and made me want to take notes.... but then again, i dont know what the heck she was talking about" -him. hehe. yay for organic!

im worried about my dad. i havent gone home in 2 weeks and i miss my family so much. i get a phone call tonight and it's my mom; she says my dad's been having bad fevers the past couple of days and they dont know whats going on. he's had health issues before and that worried me too. sigh. i dont want to lose him. he's done deep damage to my self esteem growing up, but i still love him.

{i feel lost. empty inside somehow. and i can't pinpoint what it is. and thats the hard part.}


1. friday night - girls night!! oh. and. i. saw. a. naked. guy. [i needed to pee -> open the bathroom door -> naked guy in the middle of the bathroom -> i scream -> shut the door -> and laugh hysterically -> everyone comes out into the hallway -> laugh some more]
2. saturday night - ashton had spent the night. we went to brunch and spent the whole day together. we saw the guy [that was naked the night before] at brunch. *cringes* and i was disappointed we lost to akron. grrr! but seeing julia & germaine made me feel better for a bit... then i had a headache and vomitted :-/ but joe took good care of me
3. sunday - i finally got to see what Grace was all about; thanks to joe and jimmy. i loved it! i want to go again next sunday and praise the Lord :) i met lots of new people and saw familiar faces too. the whole worship put me in a good mood the rest of the day. :)

here's a song i liked from today:
Sin has lost it's power,
death has lost it's sting.
From the grave you've risen
VICTORIOUSLY!

Chorus
Into marvelous light I'm running,
Out of darkness, out of shame.
By the cross you are the truth,
You are the life, you are the way

46 facebook wall messages
2 IMs from faraway friends - thanks Marlee and Carolyn!
2 birthday phone calls from mom and ashton -> loud singing haha i love it!
1 email from dad and aunt each
12 wonderful friends in one night - i love you all so much!!!
1 restaurant (CARRABBA'S! oh so good!)
lots of presents :)
1 crazy night
1 awesome football game





turning 21 = PRICELESS ;) :) hehe

classes are back in session. the first few days of every semester, it seems like, i feel as if i was a freshman all over again. looking for classes. looking lost. looking at the schedule. taking more than the usual amt of notes. actually paying attention haha.


"its not what year of status you are. it's how you carry yourself that distinguishes you from other "freshman' " - Daniel


when my roomie leaves me all by myself in the room, the tv must be ON. whether i want to watch it or not, i like the background noise. i feel less lonely. as sad as that may sound, it comforts me. i think it's cuz growing up, me and my little brother would be in the same room, but he would be in one area of the room and me on the other; he'd be making fight noises w/ his toys and games, while i read or used my computer. i've always needed someone to be around me; tv's my substitution.


i've been walking a lot since i got here. bragaw seems so far from central campus. it's good exercise to walk to class. i was reminded of the hills and curves of main campus as i walked to my 2 classes today. forgot how very non-flat State is.


the swings are conveniently placed around the dorm. helps me create my own wind. and i like that feeling.

and so summer must draw to an end. whether we want to or not. i have done so much this summer. it's insane after i thought about it. i would have to say that this is THE BEST summer i've had since i can remember!

sleepovers. ice cream runs hehe. getting a tan; in my case, getting burned. bar hoppin' to watch the canes. playing dress up. dancing & clubbing. crazy late night talks. visiting Rich! bondage! haha. crying here and there. eating too much. laughing too much. best friend bonding.

but i'd rather have too much. than nothing at all ;) i love my crew so much!

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             I
       ___I____  a toast. to beginnings [and endings]. to old & new friendships. to LIFE :)

i just got back the other day from my short (8 days) vacation to Virginia. Eight days is not long enough to make up for 4 months worth of not seeing each other. but... im glad i even got the opportunity to go see him. my parents surprise me sometimes. they really do.


leaving the bus station, i was calm and wasnt too sad. i was content and satisfied actually. but boy when i got back home in NC, my emotions just came out. i couldnt stop crying even when i wanted to. i literally cried myself to sleep sunday night.. just crying and holding my pillow....

im glad to be back tho. i miss my friends & family here. work starts back up today and im not looking forward to it... well i hope everyone has a wonderful start to the week!

my manager put me elsewhere today in the store. met new people. and got to see how the back part of the store worked. it was a refreshingly new experience.
- - -
so ITALY won the World Cup! how exciting is that :) yay! (i know this is like late news but i just wanted to say it on here hehe)
- - -

there's something absolutely amazing about times spent w/ a best friend. just you and your best friend. well, me & my best friend. bonding w/ her is so peaceful & so much fun. there's moments of silence but also plenty of laughter and joking around, sharing of stories, watching a show & a movie... i can't quite describe the feeling of just sitting w/ my best friend and having one of the best days in a looong time. priceless ;)
- - -




[i see blood. im scared. i need a doctor for this one]

so this weekend was a time of firsts for me ;) it was one of the BEST weekends EVER!! woooo! I LOVE MY GIRLS SOOOOOO MUCH :-D me never having the opportunity to go clubbing, went this weekend w/ friends to club Oxygen. it was what i had anticipated it to be and much more! the place wasnt hopping at first, but once people started rolling in, it sure got a little "close" lol

the funny things started even BEFORE we entered the club. Marlee, Sarah, Rachel and I were near the entrance when I realized we had to pay the bouncer (or at least get the money ready)... well since we didnt bring purses we kept our money and IDs in our bras... haha i made a fool out of myself trying to get the money out and the officer & everyone else noticing it. ['you think it's their real boob in there but it's just full of money' - the police officer in the front] <-- hahaha

i definitely let loose and enjoyed every second on the dance floor. it even had a dancebox where only females could dance on it. and yes, me, rachel (the birthday girl) and marlee went on it and bumped & grinded. we gave the guys a show ;) one of the people who worked at the club even took a picture of us on the dancebox - i need to find a copy of it :)

but there were some guys who weren't too subtle about their moves. one guy in a green polo came up behind every girl and each time he did that, marlee would take me by the hand and tell me to dance closer to her. that got the guy in green to back off ... for like a second and then he was at it again but to a different girl. it was hilarious. i know rachel and ashton (she joined us a little after we got inside) definitely had fun w/ 2 particular guys hehe.

cake & ice cream were waiting for us back at rach's house. the cake was damn good. i was in heaven. & we didnt wake up til 1pm sunday. then rach, marz and i watched Failure to Launch later that day - I had already seen it before but i didnt mind watching it again.

all in all, i would love to re-live those 2 wonderful days again. maybe i can, in a way, in the near future ;)

oh, and 2 more weeks til I can see him :) im UBER excited! my cheeks hurt from smiling too much hehe.

random thought: have you ever had a guy friend who, no matter what, even when he's mad, just happens to say or do the right thing to you and the rest of his girl friends? he listens to your daily obstacles. he gives great advice. he comforts you. oh, he's not gay lol...  like, there's no physical or emotional attraction between the two. is it just me or anybody feel the same way? lol

---
so i got my license today :) yessss i can drive again! oh how i miss driving by myself. now i can, hahaha

---
work was manageable. i still think we are messy people. [new pet peeve: tried-on clothes left on the floor w/ hangers everywhere].
me: im getting a headache from all this
my coworker: if you dont have one by now, then you haven't worked here long enough

---
i miss him...

you think you know a person. but do you really?
i've read we only use 10% of our brains. it feels like more, doesnt it?
others think they know us completely... when we dont even know ourselves completely. so how can they make such judgements about me? about you?

i must tell you how i feel when im feeling it.
i want to tell you that i'm happy. happy to be alive; happy to live another day.
i want to tell you im sad & lonely. sad that i dont see you often; lonely enough to long for a special someone's embrace.
i want to tell you im afraid. afraid you'd be gone. afraid you will forget that i love you. afraid to feel anything at all.
i want to tell you that i'm angry. angry at myself, angry at everything. plain angry.

it's times like these when my mind never seems to "shut down" and all the tension builds up...

Sort by artist:
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WE WON THE CUP!!!!!!!!!!!! eeeeek! this is exciting news :) i enjoyed going bar hoppin' w/ my girls (and a few guys).

after working only 4 days, my feet are already wounded :-/ i definitely get a work out carrying clothes back and forth. i must rant about something in particular though. and that is, that people can be so inconsiderate and so messy! the Return rack is right in front of the fitting room. they are there for a reason. but nooooo... people (women in particular.. yes i said "women") just leave their pile in the dressing room.  its annoying b/c i feel like im a cleaning lady and that is NOT in the job description. but i do appreciate all those who take the time to put their tried-on clothes back on the Return rack. come on now. you...correction: WE, are grown people. have some decency and class. thank you :)

i hope everyone had a great father's day. i had to work in the morning but later that day, my dad cooked his special spaghetti. my brother eric is skeleton skinny and i have never seen him eat that much (3 FULL PLATES!). yeah, the spaghetti's that good :-D it was gone overnight.

i had a dream about an ex. -  i was upstairs in my room getting ready. lydia and him were downstairs waiting for me. they got fed up w/ waiting they decided to run upstairs. i wouldnt let them inside the room. and when i finally opened the door, they were both gone. .... i dont know what that dream meant....


tomorrow's my first day off. i know... EXCITING! hehehe

random thought: before i turn 80, i want to skydive. to feel the thrill of flying. freefall for a few seconds. thats on my list of things to do

so its sports mania at my house. world cup during the day, and alternating between NBA Finals and NHL Finals during the night. I just can't help but love all the excitement!

and my little brother left a little surprise on my phone. not so appealing, if i may add. is there a sign all around me saying 'play tricks on me' that i can't see but everyone else can? 'cause i dont find it funny. its annoying and frustrating. i'm just too gullible, as one friend told me. maybe i am... and all these tricks leave me in paranoia. so vulnerable as a victim. i live in fear... thanks a lot...

I finally have a summer job at Kohl's! .... no, I cannot get you discounts. my family can't even get a discount. seriously. and w/ the strict dress code, I can't wear sneakers and therefore my feet are sore from wearing heels all day. as disgusting as this may sound, i might have an ingrown toe nail. being the "med" person, i am embarrased to say I dont know how to relieve the pain or ingrown. ive cut my nails, but pain is still present. any ideas? i dont want to have surgery like my mom did. that would just be hell.

going back to state campus is great. hil, heather and i visit kelly on a weekly basis. i love meeting new people and playing beach volleyball with them. i dont know what it is, but going to state just puts me in a good mood and i'd like to stay that way.

so june 12th (today/monday) is my dad's birthday :) almost 50 years old. honestly, me and my dad aren't as close as me and my mom are. i just wish he'd open up to me more. ive tried and tried to share w/ him my thoughts, opinions, and life experiences, and its heartbreaking for them not to be reciprocated. i can only remember a few times where he showed me he really cared. other times, its just a bunch of silence if not yelling. he tells me i'm fat. that i'll never succeed. and that i can't have what i want. all negative towards me. i dont know why... every time i think "why" i just get teary-eyed. maybe i'll never understand it. sigh

when i get down to it, there's no where else i would rather be than here.



                                                     *~*

                           
i heard this quote (not the exact quote) a while back but i forget who said it:
"maybe what we need is mr. right now and eventually the "now" will disappear."

they tell you to be nice & kind
                                    they tell you to love
                they tell you to care, listen
they tell you to shut up
                      they tell you to just be yourself
        they tell you to make a difference in someone's life
                                they tell you things will change
  they tell you things will be okay
        they tell you to relax
they tell you to not do this or that



its all [easier said] than done.

for one brief moment we stop what we're doing and do something totally out of character. we put on a mask to conceal our identity.  then we become accustomed to the 'self' we created with the mask on, that too many a times we forget to take it off.   how well do you really know me? how well do you really know your friends; or even your own self. so i say, take off your mask. present your true self to me. do not be afraid. i would not be a friend if i judged you.

its like the crack on a fine piece of china
or the hole in your favorite blanket.
you dont know how it got there but you accept it for what it is.
it's kinda like rich
hes not perfect. i didnt want him to be
his faults give him character and thats what i like, thats what i want

i know him better than anyone. ive only mentioned the bad things cuz i've needed reflection, advice, and reassurance. i gave all my heart to him. and everyone is against him, when im the one who did something bad. me, not him.

i want some freedom. all my life, ive been told what to do or should do. i want to break free. grow up, make mistakes, make my own decisions without people making such a big deal about them. everytime i do, i feel so small; overpowered by everyone.

i can already see the "i told you this and that would happen." it never leaves me....